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A tough day for me

August 10th, 2007 · No Comments

Miserable is one of the words that describes how I feel write now.  I am not sure what makes me feel this way.  I think that it is a combination of so many things that I am dealing with.  Not only am I a newlywed, my husband has a brain tumor, my husband is trying to get a new business off the ground, I am not the mother that I want to be.  Life right now is so hard for me to deal with.  I don’t feel so bad everyday.  But when I do feel like this I hate life.  Marriage is not easy, I already knew that.  But when I am already stretched so thin with dealing with my husband’s medical condition everything is so much harder. 

I hate that I gave up more job.  I worked so hard and though sometimes I had stressful days I truly enjoyed working for the company that I did.  I was very proud of my accomplishments and I looked forward to a long future with the company.  I loved going to school too.  I love making As. I was so proud of myself, working full time, going to school part time and being a mother.  I loved telling my daughter that I got an A.  But I gave that up.

I loved spending time and having extra money to do things with my daughter.  Some people would call her spoiled but I was happy spending the money and she was a happy, smart, loving child. 

I had a wonderful relationship with Travis.  We had so much fun.  We had so many plans together.  And then that day, we heard the news and my life changed so dramatically.

I quit my job because I felt that I would not be able to give 100% to my job and 100% to my family at this challenging time.  So that I could be he best I could be I dedicated everything that I had to Travis.  Tori stayed with my parents.  I hated that time.  I messed her so much.  I had never spent so much time away from her.  And then there was the financial impact.  From two income, to one; that is not something so simple to do in Southern California.  But we made the sacrifices for the best of our family. 

Now it is over a year later and I am so drained, exhausted, sad, and lonely.  I miss everything that I had.  I miss our happy life.  I miss having my daughter with me.  I miss my Travis being well. 

These days Travis spends most of his time working on his company.  He does this because he feels that it will help our family in the future.  When he is not working on the business he is at doctor appointments or resting.  That leaves me alone a lot of the time.  And when I am alone so many things run through my mind.  Sure I am thankful for what I have.  But that does not necessarily make it easier when I miss having my daughter; when I miss her, I miss her.  I don’t think that just because my husband is alive today that I should have to give up all of my other happiness.

I wish I could fast forward my life to a time when he is better.  I hate living my life one day at a time.  It is so hard to stay positive.  I hate when I lose my patience.  I know that life is not fair.  I just wish my daughter did not have to deal with this.  I wish that my husband never had to hear the horrible news he heard in March 2006.  I wish I was perfect.  I wish that I could be thankful for what I have and be satisfied with it.  I wish I did not have so many goals that seem so impossible right now.  Sometimes I hate that I feel so obligated to take care of my family.  Sometimes I wish that I could be selfish.  If I left my husband to attend his doctor appointments alone and if I continued to work, I would still be miserable. 

I just wished this never happened to our family.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Tags: everyday life · family · our company · stress · work